It seems I’m a Sunday-evening-to-Monday poster now, and that’s okay. The important part is just to keep writing. I’ve felt less inspired lately — not because of you, Clara (you’re endlessly inspiring) — but because, ironically, I have too many thoughts floating around my head. Some of it is new, but a lot I’ve already mentioned and now have updates on.
This Week’s Wins
The good news: your poops are finally normal! I’m so thrilled for you. You’re only going 1–2 times a day now, which means elimination communication is back on track. Today we only had one dirty diaper — the rest we caught! You’re learning it’s uncomfortable to nap in a wet diaper, and I’m learning you always poop between 6:20 and 6:35 a.m.
Sleep is still a struggle, though maybe now a normal one. You’re only contact napping, so breaks for me are rare. I’ve heard it gets better around four or five months, and I hold onto that hope like a tiny anchor.
You also still have a bit of reflux, so we’re eliminating a few more foods to see if it helps. The verdict so far: sensitivities to soy, dairy, corn, and rice. TBD on eggs and fish — I’m cutting oatmeal next and may keep going down Free to Feed’s list of top allergens. I’ll start reintegrating eggs soon. Fingers crossed.
You seem a little better in the car, though we haven’t ventured far enough to really know. Tilting your seat forward has helped, and you prefer your convertible seat. You just get bored now — very aware of being restrained. Maybe you even get carsick? Yesterday, you wanted to use Dad’s finger as a pacifier. He didn’t enjoy it, but he put up with it for you. That’s love in action.
You’re smiling and babbling, and you laughed at the tape sounds in UPS this week. Things are looking up!
Thoughts That Won’t Let Go
Then there are the thoughts that won’t let go. They stick and swirl inside my mind like clumps of Ovaltine in milk. How do we give you a positive bicultural experience? Will our country, town, and home feel like safe places for your childhood? How should I handle a gradual return to work? Will you thrive more with a nanny or in daycare? If we hire a nanny, will we have enough PTO to cover when she’s out? It’s surprisingly complex to navigate.
Then there are the smaller, constant thoughts — your milestones, bottle refusal, why the rocking chair makes you cry, how to encourage independent sleep, balancing stimulation and rest, tummy time, physical therapy (for both of us), storing your tiny clothes, seeing friends.
The mental load on moms is wild.
I’m definitely not as “go with the flow” as I wish I were — or as I sometimes pretend to be. I’m a planner; I like things under control. I’m a rule follower. I’m creative when I’m cooking or making art, but otherwise I crave structure, evidence, and predictability. And motherhood laughs in the face of all that.
Most of what worries me is out of my control. You’re your own person, with likes and rhythms that shift by the week. My parenting style leans more attachment-based than rigid, which makes control even trickier. But I still want to do right by you — more than I want to do right by me. I’m still finding that balance.
Sibling Dreams and Family Reflections
I sometimes think about how differently I might parent your sibling someday. I’ve always imagined twins — don’t ask me why. If that ever happens, I’ll have to adapt completely. It doesn’t feel fair that they’d never get the undivided attention you have, but maybe it would also force me to grow. Maybe they’ll have totally different temperaments.
It still blows my mind that my brother — your uncle — and I are only sixteen months apart. That means your grandma was pregnant with me when my brother was seven months old. Such a small gap!
Doing It Right (or at Least Doing My Best)
I constantly wonder if I’m doing things right. I even looked up whether I’m too strict about naps — and of course, there’s no answer. Google says it’s personal preference. Which, duh. But also… dang.
There’s no one rule book for this. There’s plenty of voices and advice out there, lots of studies, but no definitive cross longitudinal randomized control double blind studies that dictate how to raise a Spanish-American baby in 2025 (believe me, I’ve looked). There’s too many variables to say definitively what’s best. Some parents may let their babies cry in the car. They might not have any other choice. As long as I have a. Voice, I’m going to give in to my true north: my intuition. This might make me seem too soft or even lost in motherhood. Maybe one day I’ll look back and think differently, but until then this is what I’ve got. Right now it’s still my only full time job while on leave.
My hope for you, Clara, is that as you grow and when you learn to self-regulate, I still help you stretch just enough beyond your comfort zone. That you face challenges that help you grow, not ones that make you afraid, and that your Papá and I feel safe and secure.
You’ll get hurt and cry sometimes — it’s part of life. But I truly hope that most of those hurts don’t come from me or our family.
That’s the undercurrent of everything swirling in my head: How do I do what’s best for me, for you, and for your dad — as individuals and as a family? How do we grow just enough outside our comfort zones while honoring each of our temperaments? How do we know we’re making the best decisions?
I guess we don’t.
We just stick a foot out, feel the wobble, and give it a shot.
Well, my dear — here’s your future reminder: we’re giving it our best shot — for you, always.
We love you, Monkey Monkey.
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